Broken English

"Don't smell the balloons" av Stewart Clark har underholdt meg stort de siste dagene. Her kommer noen utdrag, som er mine absolutt favoritter:

Thank you, I have really enjoyed staying here this spring. You have been most hostile to me.

Please tell the money.

Please slow down the fart!

My name is Jönsson, that is Johnson with two pricks.

Don’t take a chance on ruining your vacation – come to us and be sure.

See where the pilgrims landed by bus.

Toilet out of order, please use the floor below.

Crippled restroom.

Please keep door closed when coming in or going out.

Nobody is allowed to sit on both sides of the boat.

Beach equipped with angle fitness and you play for children.

We are the best restaurant in Natrang. We have the best toilet.

Please do not bring outside food, excluding children under five.

Eat here and get gas.

We don’t serve fast food, but we will give you the food as soon as possible.

You can have crap on your pizza.

Omelet is made with recent eggs from a local farm where the chickens are alive.

Warning to tourists: don’t laugh at the natives.

If tunnel is dark, remove sunglasses.

If you are blind, please use the Braille keys.

The State of New Jersey has moved four blocks west.

We harbour every sort of disease and have no respect for religion.
(Skilt utenfor engelsk sykehus)

Amnesia patients may have to pay in advance.

We must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.

The patient refused an autopsy.

In case of emergency, the lifeguards are under the seat in the center of the vessel.

Slip with care.

Do not use elevator while on fire.

This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.

Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Do not use this tool as a hair dryer.
(Advarsel på en blåselampe)